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I’ve trained myself to protect my vulnerability.

I’ve mentioned before that I have a high embarrassment protection reflex. Meaning, if I think there is a potential for embarrassment, I’ll do what it takes to avoid it. I once even vomited silently on a boat on crazy choppy water (where literally everyone else was sick too) because I was afraid of said embarrassment. I don’t participate in dunk tanks at work (a common thing during our charitable giving month) lest I miss entirely and look silly. Karaoke? I love watching but oh no what if someone hears my less than Carrie Underwood quality voice?

That embarrassment protection rolls over into other aspects of my life; namely my depression and anxiety areas. It takes a LOT for me to cry in front of the majority of people, and I am *always* OK. Sure, some of my closest family and friends hear that I am feeling anxiety or can see some cracks, but the people who see me truly break down are as follows: husband, mother, father. End of list.

Why am I like this?

Easy answer – I’m afraid of vulnerability. I am particularly afraid of what others will see me as (crazy, depressed, too anxious, ridiculous, etc.) and change their opinions of me. It’s not like I came to this conclusion out of the blue – I learned it from experience. Many relationships in my life has taught me that once someone sees me as “sensitive Sam”, as afraid to not be included or miss out on something, as having depression, or as being anxious…things change.

It seems odd to have a blog and have this fear, but I suppose its easier to share with strangers. I’m also always more than happy to share my story, and tell about the past – as long as the moment is over. When I am in the panic, in the depressive state, feeling left out, not wanted, or angry, it shifts to a fear of response of how someone thinks of me.

Take it from someone who feels it: once you’ve made the “depressed/sensitive/dramatic/FOMO/easily hurt” impression, it feels as though there is virtually nothing you do can change it. My worst days were between ages 19 and 22. Those few years, that are now MORE than 10 years ago, put a lot of weight on just about everything else in my life. They’re still the main topic of my regular therapy sessions.

12% of my life controls a whole lot of the rest of it.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to change the minds of people who knew me when I was in my darkest days, and how to avoid those who have known me afterwards from seeing it so I don’t have to change their minds later. I regularly validate my own emotions “I feel like this because” or “this isn’t depression Sam, but…” in hopes that one day I can feel an emotion and not feel like someone automatically thinks I’m dramatic. And when someone does call me sensitive or dramatic or FOMO or whatever, I read it as “because you’ve had this struggle before, I no longer need to validate your feelings.”

This leads me to have LESS vulnerability, because I am reading so deeply into something potentially innocent, based on my past. Just like everyone does. Even if I am told it’s not true, or it is less true than my brain perceives it.

It’s almost like, because I have recovered so much from my depression and truly become a different and better person, I shouldn’t have negative or strong emotions. Like that part of me should have disappeared. But I’ve been empathetic my whole life, I’ve been an easy cry my whole life. I’ve now just learned that I can have and show empathy, but it’s only safe for 3 people to get the full spectrum of Sam emotions.

So I protect myself.

I’ve become the helper instead of the one needing help.

I pull away when feeling anxious and have depressive feelings pop up – unwilling to let others in OR if others are more enthusiastic than me, lest I feel dismissed.

I make the first joke so that someone else doesn’t make a joke, or to make their jokes not hurt my feelings, since I kicked it off.

But that’s not fair to everyone else.

Last year, I sat at work almost in tears, as I was working through the process of our beloved nanny moving, searching for a new nanny for our nanny share, and being VERY pregnant. A coworker, who is also a dear friend, KNEW something was wrong. I confirmed it when she asked if I was OK, because all too quickly, I said I was fine.

This is a friend who has been very open and vulnerable to me, who I have known for almost a decade. I know her heart and I know her kindness, and yet I couldn’t give her the slightest bit of my own vulnerability. As I tried to stay stoic (ha), the thought crossed my mind (which I can only say was from God, since I would never call myself out like this) “you owe it to her and your friendship to be vulnerable to her” I needed to give her a chance to help me, to talk me down, to be MY friend, as she has given me countless times. I needed to let her help me as much as she has previously let me help her.

And so I did.

And what did I find? Certainly not judgement and a changed feeling toward me. I found a hug, empathy, and a caring conversation. I found that talking it out with someone who wasn’t directly involved let me express emotion without issue. And, perhaps most surprisingly to myself, I found someone who DIDN’T change any feeling towards me, but our friendship actually GREW in those moments. Her understanding of my deeper struggle, of something so precious to me, gave her a better view of me, and let us grow together in our bond. Then it hit me.

BOOM – PERSPECTIVE SHIFT

I am putting feelings from a decade ago on the people who I know and love now. I am putting the relationships of the friends who pulled back, or the one who straight up bailed, on the people who know me well enough to understand my range, and not leave. This all leads to the realization that I have become afraid of vulnerability.

I’m also not living the Bible. 2 Timothy 1:7 says: “for the Holy Spirit, God’s gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love them and enjoy being with them.” (TLB)

I am afraid of people, which leads to lack of vulnerability.

I know that biblically, this context is more about sharing Christ with others, but I think it stands firm on its own. God did not make me to be fearful and afraid, but to be bold. He did not bring me through the depths of my depression to then cower behind its ripples, but to stand in front of it and own it, to then turn it around to help others.

My dad sends me a devotional almost every day. A meaningful one listed the three terrible things that fear does to relationships:

1. “Fear makes us defensive. When people point out weaknesses, we retaliate and defend ourselves.
2. Fear keeps us distant. We don’t let people get too close to us. We withdraw, we hide our emotions.
3. Fear makes us demanding. The more insecure we are, the more we attempt to control things. We try to have the last word in a relationship. We seek to dominate. “

Well that hits me right in the feels.

Because that is what I have been doing, particularly number 2. I phrase it as being afraid of vulnerability lest I be judged, but it could just as easily be phrased, and interpreted as, I don’t trust others to do anything than judge/run/tease my emotions. And life is just a series of interpretations of everyone else, perception is king. So I need to CHANGE my intentions and start allowing others in. Maybe not all the way to terrify them, and not let everyone in, but at least be more willing to show some vulnerability to my friends and family, to show trust, and allow them the chance for me to trust them. To show me that they love me and respond to me like my friend from work.

So how does one start showing vulnerability?

A few ways, in my opinion. They can be small, they can be huge, but they can all help out. Recently, I’ve been challenging myself, so this is how I am showing vulnerability in small ways.

1- Text your heart out.

Literally. An easy first step is to type it out. Everyone has bigger muscles when they’re behind a keyboard, we just tend to reference them as internet trolls. In this case, keyboard courage can be a good way to ease into things. I’ve sent a text recently that mentioned that I was trying to be more vulnerable, was more vulnerable, and ended up a day or so later receiving an equally vulnerable text back. It built up the relationship.

As strong as we are behind our keyboards, the same goes for calls. If being vulnerable face to face is less than ideal, try over the phone! You can plan out what you are going to say, and have notes if needed, or you can be looking at something that calms you while you talk! Look at a painting or picture that calms you, walk around your house, color mindlessly, whatever helps to calm you whilst you work on getting your feelings out and sharing.

2- Say what you need.

Often, people give just enough information to hint at what they need, in the hopes that another person will read their mind and catch the hint to give them what they need without having to ask for it. I get it; asking for a compliment means less than receiving one randomly. However, I have learned the hard way how much more painful it is to hope against all hope that someone will do what you need and read your mind, rather than just saying it. I’ve actually caught myself doing it recently, and finally said, “OK, THIS is what I need please.” You know what happened? They did what I needed (in this instance, a hug) and I felt better – regardless of having to ask for it. The relief was far better than the hope of a mind reading.

My dad learned a cool tactic through my years of awful depression conversations with me. As soon as I would call and sound upset, he would say, “Do you need to vent or do you need advice?” This helped me to start telling him before he asked exactly what I needed. THEN it helped me to start telling other people what I needed. It helped me express my feelings, and get what I needed, without frustrating them for trying to help. That is an easy way to be vulnerable – when starting a conversation when you are feeling all the feels, you can say, “Hey can I vent for a second? I don’t need advice.” or “Hey, I really need your advice, can I get your help?”. It changes the entire conversation layout, and makes everyone more likely to reach their goals.

3- Allow the tears.

I actively avoid tears in most situations. If you follow my Instagram, you’ll have seen my post on my dumb wart removal. It turned into a raging infection (doctors words, I’m not being dramatic) and he mentioned if I did NOT follow through with the procedure he suggested, I may need to be hospitalized. I was in so much pain, and so afraid, and I could feel the tears coming and my whole body tensed and for the first 10 minutes of our time together, I held it together.

And then I cried, and continued apologizing for being a baby the entire time he (very gently but painfully) pulled skin off my foot. ANYONE IN THAT SITUATION WOULD REACT TO PAIN. And yet, I tried to hold them back. Why? Because I was embarrassed by a human reaction? I’ve often said “I’m sorry I just cry easily” when expressing feelings to someone; even feelings where tears are legitimate.

I am trying to allow the tears. If people judge me, that says more about them than it does about me. I am trying to be open and the REAL me, and not hide it. My cry-ability is unique to me, it makes me empathetic and loving and caring and kind. It puts me in perspective to be sympathetic. None of those are bad things. Vulnerability can be my strength. It can be yours too. Don’t hold tears back, don’t withhold legitimate emotion.

4- Don’t dismiss yourself – or let anyone else.

I am great at dismissing myself. I’ll have a legit feeling and immediately tell myself its my anxiety, or that it isn’t worth it to confront the feeling with someone, and dismiss it. It has allowed others to do the same. When I am frustrated or hurt, I have allowed others to dismiss it as my anxiety or my mental health, and therefore not something they need to apologize for or help me cope with it.

I am actively practicing stopping that. I have identified my own “safe” people to practice with (for my, its my parents and husband) and am working on saying, “Hey, xyz bothered me. Here’s why.” and letting it be. Or I will say, “Please don’t dismiss this, but…” I hopefully will get to the point where I am strong enough to expand that to other people. And I don’t even mean it has to be big things – I dismiss myself for very little things, and I am very afraid of confrontation, so this is a huge step for me to take. This is something that I think everyone could work on: appropriate and gentle confrontation of our own feelings towards others. We live in a very aggressive world right now, and kindly resolving issues is a big win.

5- Don’t diminish your own feelings.

This is the hardest one for me. If I am struggling with vulnerability, my first thing to say is “Sorry” or “I’m not being dramatic but…” or “This isn’t sensitive Sam, this is a real feeling” something of the sort. I feel like I have to diminish myself to ensure someone else’s comfort or non-judgement. Read that sentence again. THAT IS INSANE. I literally make myself smaller to ensure someone else is happy. Do they do that for me? Some might, but most people don’t…and nor should they! It isn’t like I am being hyper-confrontational, I am sharing a feeling, and so afraid of someone else’s reaction that I diminish myself.

I’ve also started owning it – if someone wants to say I’m sensitive and my brain tells me to take it the wrong way, my response has become, “That’s how God made me” and I move on. Its a reminder that I have purpose, I have reason, and my emotions, empathy, and, yes, sensitivity, is not a mistake. Its to be valued and owned. I am denying the world my gift of emotion if I deny it to myself.

So there you have it. All my vulnerability.

Typing this out embarrasses me, but if it helps ONE reader, I’m good. The moral of the story here is: allowing ourselves to be more vulnerable can strengthen relationships and strengthen ourselves.

Do you have any other tips (for me, for other readers) to ease up on ourselves, allowing us vulnerability to others?? SHARE them below please!

And remember to be kind to yourself – we are in one of, if not the most, difficult seasons that the world will have to face together. My therapist mentioned that everyone’s baseline for stress and anxiety is heightened over the last the hardest seasons for mental health for a LOT of people.

We are 6 months into a global pandemic.

Everyone’s nerves are frayed and there is no end in site. We’re in the most heated time of political and racial tension most of us can remember. Some parents are figuring out how to work full time whilst also teaching full time. Other parents are figuring out parenting and working and childcare and hoping that judgement doesn’t hit their plate. Others are 6 months in to almost solitary confinement, due to risk factors, family matters, and a whole host of other reasons.

On top of all of that, we are about to head into a season of joy and thanks and celebration and many holidays across many faiths, but with that brings a lot of reminders that aren’t so great. For so many of our friends and loved ones, this is a season of what is missing, what is desired, what has been lost – particularly this year. The desire for real vulnerability and acceptance is at an all time high, lets make it our goal this year to not only be vulnerable with others, but accept their vulnerability as well.

In this season of pandemic, love yourself too.

Be vulnerable, reach out if you’re feeling this, or if you think someone you know may be feeling this. It may make all the difference in the world.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, anxiety, or any type of mental illness, or you even suspect it, please reach out for help. Getting help for pain you are feeling is no joke, its not weakness or craziness. It is strength and vulnerability and boldness and power and something to be honored. You are a hero to yourself and those around you for getting help for yourself, helping someone else get help, and being a support in the storm. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is: 1-800-273-8255. There is no shame in reaching out. For help finding a therapist in your area, I suggest searching on the Psychology Today site. Look around, find one you are comfortable with and feel good about, you can shop around and do consults. Find what and who works for YOU to help YOU get well.